Dreaming

I had the greatest dream last night.

I dreamnt of the baby. That I had her, that I could hold her. Amazing!

I am sure this is probably just partly my hope kicking in but I will describe the dream in detail.

First of all she is adorable. She had lots of hair like Ethan. Not right off the bat because I deliver bald babies, but she she was probably 6-7 months old. She was a snuggly baby. In my dream she had woken up and I got her and we laid on the bed together. She just cuddled up in the nape of my neck and talked and chewed on her fingers.
She was much more patient then any of my kids. She didn't want to eat the second she woke up she just want to hang out with me for a while and "wake up". I specifically remember saying "She is by far the best baby I've ever had. She is laid back, not at all demanding." She was actually sleeping through the night at this point as well.

When we went to the kitchen to feed her, I put her in her high chair and gave her food and a bottle. I said to her "Here Cara, here's your food." (Now I know this part isn't possibly real, but I just think its cool to dream of your unborn child.) To which she responded "Carewine" I asked her what she said and she repeated "Carewine". I turned to Phil and said "Well I guess she has a preference and wants to be called Caroline not Cara.

She was a little chub of a baby. She had the cheeks Emma had and girl had thighs that would make you want to bite them. lol.

Of course I think she is adorable cause I am her mother. But I did think she was just the cutest little thing ever. I can't wait to see her in person. Not to quickly, but when the time comes.

Thankfully we have so much going on this summer that it is going to just fly by.

I woke to her beating me up this morning. Something dawned on me. How strange is it that she can carry on in her own little world doing her thing while I am sleeping. I'm convinced that's when God does most of His handywork in there. I wake up sometimes and I feel like my belly has grown so much overnight. It's no wonder I am so tired when I wake up in the morning. She is using all my energy to grow and to have a party in my belly. Hopefully I can get her to change her ways while in utero because if not she is going to be an up all night partying baby!

21 weeks

Well I just got back from the doctor.

The baby is doing fine. Her rate was 150 bpm. The doctor didn't know I knew the sex and said "sounds like a girl" when I responded "it is" he was a little surprised. lol

I am still the same weight 143.8 according to their scale. 140 according to mine. Of course I can weight myself first thing in the morning and naked. Something I can't do there. : 0
It's very strange to me that I haven't gained anything. She weighs a pound at this point, how the heck haven't I gained at least a pound. Trust me, I am not complaining. If I can carry on like this for one more month and have her be healthy (not that I am trying to watch my weight....I eat what I want it's just how my body is) then it will be smooth sailing from here on out. My goal is to be around the same weight as I was with Emma and Ethan only because I am always border line gestational diabetic. Never got it, but why start that this time?

They will tie my tubes after my surgery which is a relief because I know I don't want any more surgeries. And honestly I don't want to get pregnant again and loose another baby. I have 3 healthy kids I will be thankful for that.

He seemed a little more shocked that I was having Braxton Hicks already. That's one thing I hate about a practice. One person acts like it's nothing new and someone else says to be careful. So far they will just keep an eye on it. By his reaction he seemed to think Cara will make an early appearance like her big brother did. Not the answer I was hoping for, only for planning sake. I have no family here so I am just praying she holds out until I have someone here to watch the other kids. And I certainly don't want to be on bed rest. That wouldn't be good at all.

But anyways....she is doing great. I am doing good. Next appointment is my glucose test. I talked to him and he said that I could skip the 1 hour as I have failed it every single time with my other children. We going right to the three hour. One less needle stick for me.

20 weeks 6 days

Tomorrow I go to the doctor's for my check up. It seems like it's been forever since I've been there, though it's only been a month. Nothing exciting going on. My stomach is super itchy all the time and now I absolutely hate eating because no matter if I take one bite of food or eat the whole plate I feel like a huge whale. I know it's all in my head, but I hate that stuffed feeling. As many of you know it doesn't take much to stuff it up when you have a child growing in there.

I really wanted fish tonight and this is something I was never able to eat with my other two kids. Cara loves fish. Phil was kind of enough to agree to feeding the kids grilled cheese and then order take out of for us. Yum, yum. Craving fulfilled. He even went to pick it up. Very nice of him.

Now I sit here alone updating the blog because he got called into work. Praise God...our first overtime this pay period. He is guaranteed 4 hrs no matter what. That's the policy. If you get called into work you get paid for at least 4 hours even if your only there for an hour. Unfortunately for him I think it will be a late night as he has to go to a plant that is over a half hour away. So he took the truck half hour to work so he could pick up the work van and then has to drive half hour to the plant from there. I feel bad for him but I am secretly happy as we need the money.

Anyway keep the prayers coming our way. God will provide!

I have been questioning the strength of my faith a little bit lately and God speaks to me in the greatest ways. Every where I turn lately it's speaking to me, whether it be the tv preacher or my devotional, or a Facebook update. The jist is don't give up...keep the faith, it will all work out. Thank God for that!

More updates tomorrow afternoon when I get home.

And the winner is.....

Why does my relationship with my mother have to be so tumultuous?

I have announced the name and before I even did so I said to Phil "your family will love it, mine will hate it." It's one of those names you just love or hate. I like it because it's got the trendy type of sound with the "line" but is not trendy at all...YET!

As many of you know it will be Caroline Faith. Phil has no preference either way in the middle name so he said I could do what I wanted and I think it's fitting and sounds good.

I told everyone the name and braced myself for the negative. I actually told the people who I knew would love it right off the bat because I wasn't prepared to hear negative.

My sister Ashley hates it. Not shocking. I knew she would. It doesn't bother me so much that people don't like the name its the carrying on about it. I told people her name days ago and I am still getting phone calls and Facebook posts begging and pleading to change her name. Sorry, not going to happen. There have been names over the years I haven't been thrilled with but I haven't said "oh I hate it, how about this? This name is so much better."

Anyway so I knew the time would come to tell my mother. I also knew she'd hate it because she hates every name I pick. I texted her so I wouldn't have to hear it. She didn't text back at all. Yesterday she texts "What happened to you naming her after me?" Can I just say that this has never been an option. I don't get along with my mom and though she does alot for my kids I wouldn't name my child after her. I just ignored the text. Then she calls this morning. I did't want to answer but I knew if I didn't I would never hear the end of it. The first things she says is "Caroline? Why would you name her Caroline?" I respond "because that's the name we like." Her-"Well what happened to you naming her after me?" I just ignore it. "Really Caroline? Why would you pick that name? I told you that she needs to have an "E" name. Don't come crying to me years from now when she is all bent out of shape because her name starts with a "C" and her brother and sister start with and "E". My response "she won't be like that and Phil did not want another E name." Her - "I still can't believe your gonna name her Caroline. That is as bad as AnnaBelle except at least then you can call her Anna or Belle. Well it's going to take some getting used to but I don't like it." Long pause from me. "Well what's the middle name you can name her middle name after me."

Ok break from conversation. Seriously, does she think after saying all that I would even consider making her middle name anything that even resembles anything close to her name? Um,no.

I'm just annoyed and hurt. I just wish for once in her life she could be normal and happy about things. I wish I had that normal mom that got excited no matter if you were having a girl or a boy....if you named her Caroline or Nanu Nanu. It just rubs salt in the wounds that are already there. She has no clue when to stop either. Come really, it's one thing to say "that name is not my style but it goes nice or something." or to say what she did and make the whole conversation about that. Like I said she does give me a lot of things and buys a lot of things for my kids but "things" isn't what life is all about. It's just so frustrating to me.

I guess my mistake is approaching the situation as if it were going to be any different. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. The fact is, she is who she is and isn't going to change. I can't help but want them to though.

Anyway, it's just part of the madness that I deal with all the time. Its a tough line to walk sometimes, but I know there is a reason for it all. Sometimes I don't know what that is but there is something good that can come from it.

Also the meaning of her name

Caroline means Joy, Song of Happiness
Faith means Loyalty, Belief.

Faith is fitting as its taken a lot of it to get her into our lives. It's been a long road of conceptions and losses before she made it. I can't say that loosing the others particularly the last one was a mistake because I know she wouldn't have been her if I had that baby. How can I regret that? I loved all my babies the minute I found out they were in me, but my love for Caroline has grown so much in the past few weeks. She is busy kicking around as I type this.

It's like if I hadn't of lost the baby when Emma was 3. There is no way I'd have Ethan and I can't imagine life without him. How could that be a mistake? It wasn't. I was meant to have these kids with me and one day when I make it home my other two will be waiting there for me. Oddly enough, it makes me keep my faith that much more. I want to see my children on the other side. They actually drive me to want to make it to heaven. Talk about a short life having purpose!

Anyway, I guess this was more ranting then anything. I just need to get it off my chest sometimes so that I can move on. That's not always easy for me....I have elephant brains.