And the winner is.....

Why does my relationship with my mother have to be so tumultuous?

I have announced the name and before I even did so I said to Phil "your family will love it, mine will hate it." It's one of those names you just love or hate. I like it because it's got the trendy type of sound with the "line" but is not trendy at all...YET!

As many of you know it will be Caroline Faith. Phil has no preference either way in the middle name so he said I could do what I wanted and I think it's fitting and sounds good.

I told everyone the name and braced myself for the negative. I actually told the people who I knew would love it right off the bat because I wasn't prepared to hear negative.

My sister Ashley hates it. Not shocking. I knew she would. It doesn't bother me so much that people don't like the name its the carrying on about it. I told people her name days ago and I am still getting phone calls and Facebook posts begging and pleading to change her name. Sorry, not going to happen. There have been names over the years I haven't been thrilled with but I haven't said "oh I hate it, how about this? This name is so much better."

Anyway so I knew the time would come to tell my mother. I also knew she'd hate it because she hates every name I pick. I texted her so I wouldn't have to hear it. She didn't text back at all. Yesterday she texts "What happened to you naming her after me?" Can I just say that this has never been an option. I don't get along with my mom and though she does alot for my kids I wouldn't name my child after her. I just ignored the text. Then she calls this morning. I did't want to answer but I knew if I didn't I would never hear the end of it. The first things she says is "Caroline? Why would you name her Caroline?" I respond "because that's the name we like." Her-"Well what happened to you naming her after me?" I just ignore it. "Really Caroline? Why would you pick that name? I told you that she needs to have an "E" name. Don't come crying to me years from now when she is all bent out of shape because her name starts with a "C" and her brother and sister start with and "E". My response "she won't be like that and Phil did not want another E name." Her - "I still can't believe your gonna name her Caroline. That is as bad as AnnaBelle except at least then you can call her Anna or Belle. Well it's going to take some getting used to but I don't like it." Long pause from me. "Well what's the middle name you can name her middle name after me."

Ok break from conversation. Seriously, does she think after saying all that I would even consider making her middle name anything that even resembles anything close to her name? Um,no.

I'm just annoyed and hurt. I just wish for once in her life she could be normal and happy about things. I wish I had that normal mom that got excited no matter if you were having a girl or a boy....if you named her Caroline or Nanu Nanu. It just rubs salt in the wounds that are already there. She has no clue when to stop either. Come really, it's one thing to say "that name is not my style but it goes nice or something." or to say what she did and make the whole conversation about that. Like I said she does give me a lot of things and buys a lot of things for my kids but "things" isn't what life is all about. It's just so frustrating to me.

I guess my mistake is approaching the situation as if it were going to be any different. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. The fact is, she is who she is and isn't going to change. I can't help but want them to though.

Anyway, it's just part of the madness that I deal with all the time. Its a tough line to walk sometimes, but I know there is a reason for it all. Sometimes I don't know what that is but there is something good that can come from it.

Also the meaning of her name

Caroline means Joy, Song of Happiness
Faith means Loyalty, Belief.

Faith is fitting as its taken a lot of it to get her into our lives. It's been a long road of conceptions and losses before she made it. I can't say that loosing the others particularly the last one was a mistake because I know she wouldn't have been her if I had that baby. How can I regret that? I loved all my babies the minute I found out they were in me, but my love for Caroline has grown so much in the past few weeks. She is busy kicking around as I type this.

It's like if I hadn't of lost the baby when Emma was 3. There is no way I'd have Ethan and I can't imagine life without him. How could that be a mistake? It wasn't. I was meant to have these kids with me and one day when I make it home my other two will be waiting there for me. Oddly enough, it makes me keep my faith that much more. I want to see my children on the other side. They actually drive me to want to make it to heaven. Talk about a short life having purpose!

Anyway, I guess this was more ranting then anything. I just need to get it off my chest sometimes so that I can move on. That's not always easy for me....I have elephant brains.