How Embarrassing

This is kind of embarrassing but I have to post this because it's more for me to look back on when God finally brings us out of this time. I have hit a new personal low and things are a bit depressing for me lately. I'm not really even in the Christmas spirit which is awful.

When Phil accepted this job we took a major pay cut. I mean major. We were just looking at his pay stub and comparing the year end totals to what he made 2 yrs ago. We are making exactly $30,000 less. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be but still a SIGNIFICANT decrease in pay. That's a second income right there. However, we knew it was time to move on from that job because he just wasn't happy. He was constantly in a bad mood, I was stressed to the max with two little kids on my own we knew 4 yrs had been enough. Much to our surprised we received two job offers at the same time and all the doors seemed to open for this one so this is the one he took even though we knew we'd be tight.

We gave up our 2nd car, and took a huge cut in pay.

Now here's where I begin to doubt a little bit. It was obviously the right time for us to move on. We have a certain amount of bills that need to be paid every month and some debt from medical bills and improvements from the other house. To me, all these things are needs. We need to pay these bills, we need to eat right? God promises to supply our needs. What exactly am I missing? It seems like every time we turn around there are unexpected bills. The past two months I didn't have money left over for food I had not pay some bills in order to pay for food. Is this wrong? Am I supposed to pay the bills and have faith that someone will show up with food? What do you do with little kids? Do you do like I did buy the food and pray money will come to pay the bills? I am so torn. Is this lack of faith? 2 months....$1900 behind, how do you break the cycle? How do you get through this? I've been up since 3:30 this morning I am so stressed about the situation. Sometimes I feel like God doesn't move in those ways in my life. I've never had someone just show up with bags of food. I've never had anyone say God told me to give you this cash to help out. I know people it has happened to. Is this wrong? I probably shouldn't compare myself to others. How does God come through in times like these? I have never felt more helpless in my life. Is it my fault we are in this situation? Absolutely. I've messed up, repented and am trying to move on. But the mountain of unexpected expenses (and I literally mean everyday there is something new) stares me in the face.

We had no money for food this pay day and we are out of everything. Again, I can't pay bills. Late fees, mount up along with past due amounts. What am I supposed to do? I believe I am where God wants me so why is this so hard?

I went to the store Wed night to go food shopping. If we are getting really low on food I will go the night before we get paid and write a check. I've been able to do this several times with no problem. Until this week. Phil watched the kids, I loaded up the carts with food and went to go pay. Except the check didn't go through. I had $2 in my checking account. $2...that doesn't even buy milk. They asked if they wanted me to hold it while I went home to get money. I had no money. I had to make up a reason why I couldn't come back because I didn't have money to pay for it. Am I too prideful? It's hard not to make money the center of things when you don't have any to pay your bills. I went back to the store the next day and did the same thing. Didn't get nearly what I wanted too because we were out of every essential you can think of. I ran my debit card. $330 gone. $330 I didn't have in the first place.

I've listed almost all my clothing on ebay to make money. I've pawned every piece of jewelry I own except my wedding band...after all it's just stuff. I've applied for jobs on ODesk but haven't been accepted for one. Door keep getting shut in my face. How am I supposed to go on? Why aren't the provisions there when I believe with all my heart that I am in God's will being a stay at home mom.

I am loosing hope fast. I heard Joyce Meyer say that the "good thing about the valley is that we aren't meant to live there forever. It's just a season." This season has gone on for a yr. How do I get out? When will it stop? What do I do? We just got paid, the money is gone, 2 weeks until we get paid again. WHAT.DO.I.DO?