5 years ago today

5 years ago today my world fell apart. 5 years ago today everything changed. 5 years ago today a heart stopped beating. The little life came into our lives for a brief time and was taken so suddenly. My 2nd child, my first loss.

Heartbreak, disbelief. Why would God choose to have me go through this? I wasn't strong enough to deal with this. Why was this happening? Nothing seemed to make sense. The date sticks out in my mind. It was significant because it was my parents anniversary, but they weren't married anymore. I remember thinking about how everything about this day seemed so cursed.

I remember feeling alone. The affects of the loss seemed to stick with me longer then they did for my husband. I couldn't get it out of my mind. The hurt of the loss so deep. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it to this day.

It seems like God chooses me to be the pioneer in these hard life experiences. No one other then my mother that I knew of, had ever had a miscarriage. I had no one in my immediate circle that understood. I was lucky enough to find a cyber friend who had tragically lost her first baby just a few weeks before I had. She got it. She didn't think I was crazy for missing my baby so much. For crying over this child even 6 months later.

Fast forward to a few years later, both my sister in laws lost a child to miscarriage. I had been there. I knew what it was like. How that tiny life leaves a tiny hole in your heart. How time goes on and things get easier but somehow you can't stop thinking about what could have been. But then you stop and look at what is. Had I not lost that child I would not have this child 14 months later.

My one and only son never would have been. God fulfilled His promise to me. I always knew I would have 3 children. I just never thought I would loose 2 to get the 3.

2 years later I would go through this again. We weren't trying for that baby. It just came to us. Then again, as quickly as that baby came the little life was no more. Another heart stopped.

It's hard to understand the purpose behind the life of these children. Though God does say "He knows the plans He has for us." I know I have been able to help others through this situation because I lived it. It truly is something I never would have been able to relate to unless I had lived it.

If I had given birth to my fourth 4th child I never would have had her.

A promise fulfilled. It took alot longer then we had planned to complete this family. It took alot more heartbreak then I ever expected to get this family. But God was faithful.

Looking back on all of this I stand in hope and faith that God will come through. We have another big hurdle in our life right now and I am trusting God to come through for us. Really, that's all I have.

I probably wouldn't have remembered this day normally. But I have been struggling so much right now. I have been praying my heart out that God help us. Last night when I woke to feed the baby God brought this date back to my mind. My first loss. Yet, 5 years later....promises fulfilled. He came though. He's been there working this whole time even when it doesn't feel like it. Even when heaven seems silent, He's there.

Sometimes I wish I could get a glimpse at the big picture. I wish I could read ahead in the book. Not necessarily to the end, just enough to ease my mind. I am expecting something huge to happen. I'm hoping for life to ease up for a while. I'm hoping for some relief. I have such hope that 2011 will be better then 2010. But regardless of what does happen. I know that God is here, because He says He is. Granted, I may struggle with this sometimes but I think He's is saying alot by bringing this date back to my mind while I'm feeding my baby.

A dream lost.........a new dream fulfilled.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

My new favorite saying......."All things....His will."

See we often read this verse and stop at "all things work together for the good of those who love him."

I love Him so this has to work out. But the thing is, it's not always going to work out the way WE expect it. All things.....God's will.

Can I say one thing about the food issue we've been having. I haven't had any extra money after the bills are paid to buy food. Regardless we have to eat. I struggle with what to do. The answer doesn't always seem all that clear. Do I sit around and wait for a basket of food to show up or do I not pay a bill and buy the food. Let's just say no baskets of food have shown up on the doorstep. Not even a giftcard...lol. We've gotten behind on bills because I've had to buy food. I actually need quite a bit to catch up at this point and it's very overwhelming.
Two times now I have gone food shopping on the fly. Which isn't really a smart thing to do. No list, no plan usually means big bill. But two times now I've gone and planned in my head as I went and did just enough for a week. Or so I thought. God has made the food last. Normally I spend $300-$350 for two weeks which includes my baby needs. Last time we spent $145 ont he fly....it's been a week since we got paid. I literally have nothing left in my bank account but I still have food. There is no reasonable explanation for this. It just doesn't make sense. Somehow, I was able to spend $145 and feed and diaper 5 of us for 2 weeks. Praise God. This is not a way I expected God to fix the situation. But His ways are not our ways. The provision is still there. Amazing.

All things.......His will.